Aliens Make Them Do It
by Draco the Lizard
Summary: Another day, another bunch of aliens who think it's a great idea for Jack and Daniel to get naked and sweaty. Concerned about the lack of originality? No worries, there's a bit of a twist ; .


Disclaimer: It all belongs to MGM.

"Report's looking good, sir. Small town not too far from the Gate, and Daniel reports it's an early medieval Anglo-Saxon town, based on the architecture and clothes at least," Sam reported.

"Sounds nice. Quiet, at least. When do we go?"

"In two hours, sir."

-o-o-

They were met by about a dozen curious looking villagers, who were talking amongst themselves. No doubt they were talking about the four people who had just come through that big metal ring.

"We're peaceful explorers!" Daniel said, as soon as the villagers were within talking distance. "We mean no harm!"

The villagers frowned, obviously not understanding modern English. One stepped forward, looking curious.

"That's right, we mean no harm. Pay no attention to the great big weapons we're carrying," Jack added, watching the one villager carefully. The man was slowly walking towards them, watching them carefully as well.

Daniel met him halfway. "It's okay, we come from a planet called Earth, and if you could just talk then maybe I can figure out what language you speak." He smiled hopefully at the man in front of him. The man stayed silent. "Or not." He studied Daniel's face, and then the faces of the other members of SG-1.

Then he turned around and said something to the other villagers. To Daniel, it sounded like a Germanic language, but until he heard more or saw it in writing, it was too early to jump to any conclusions.

Some of the villagers grinned, and looked excited at whatever the man had said. The man turned around, and smiled at Daniel. Then he slowly raised his hands, obviously trying to look as unthreatening as he could.

Daniel hoped the others weren't looking too threatening with their weapons raised at the man and his fellow villagers. He didn't think the man meant him any harm, it was probably just his way of saying hello. He waited for the man to complete whatever he was doing.

The man placed his middle and index fingers of his right hand on Daniel's forehead, and pressed rather hard. He frowned, seemingly in concentration, like he was looking for something. Then Daniel felt a slight spark, and the man grinned and removed his fingers. "What was that for?" He asked.

The man just shrugged, and motioned towards the other three.

"I think he wants you to come forward, guys," Daniel said, wondering if he was going to do the same to his friends.

Sam and Teal'c stepped up next to him, Jack hanging back a bit, still wary. "Come on, Jack, it's harmless."

"You say that now," He muttered, but moved to stand next to Teal'c. Two women and another man walked towards them, moving as carefully as the man who had touched Daniel had. They must know that SG-1 was carrying weapons and willing to use them. The new man approached Teal'c, while the two women made their careful ways to Jack and Sam.

After more forehead-touching, the four villages looked rather pleased. "Much better this way, isn't it?" Said the man who had touched Daniel.

"You speak English?" Daniel asked, obviously surprised. This would make things a LOT easier.

"We do now," The man replied. "My name is Eldred, and this is Rulf," He said, gesturing towards the other man, who nodded.

"Was that what the head-touching was for?" Sam asked, amazed. "Did you copy our language? Is that how you learned English?"

The brunette who had touched Sam grinned. "In a way, yes. But we can't tell you how. It's, er, our tribe's secret. We can't tell you unless you become one of us."

"Correct as always, Gwen," Eldred said, nodding.

The other villagers drifted back to their houses, leaving SG-1 with just the four villagers.

"Has anyone else come through the Stargate lately?" Sam asked.

"No, we don't get a lot of visitors. I think it is because we chased away the one who brought us here. She must've told others that we aren't very hospitable. But as you can see, that's not true. We're quite friendly," Gwen told them with a smile.

"The one who brought you here?" Jack asked. "Let me guess, she had glowing eyes and demanded you worshipped her?"

"You know her?" Rulf asked. "I hope she didn't you tell anything bad about us."

"Who brought you here?" Teal'c demanded. "And how did you convince her to leave?"

"It was Nirrti who brought us here. And I'm afraid I can't answer your second question unless you become on of our tribe," Eldred said.

"Is it possible for us to become one of you?" Daniel asked. Because if they could learn how the villagers had simply learned their language just by touching them, there was no telling what else they could do. The four villagers seemed to look strangely pleased at the prospect of SG-1 joining their tribe.

"Of course," Another woman said. Her hair was a darker shade of brown, bordering on black. "You will become one of us by bonding with our mother and each other." She seemed to look a bit smug at that.

"Your mother?" Jack asked. "Where is the old lady then?"

"She is all around us. We stand on her and she gives us food and drink. She takes good care of us," Eldred said, looking at the ground beneath him.

"They see this planet as their mother," Daniel told his friends. "So in order for us to become one of them, we have to bond with the planet."

"We're right here, y'know," The woman who hadn't been introduced yet said. "We can hear you jump to conclusions about us."

"Wasn't I right?" Daniel asked, slightly embarrassed.

"Well, yeah, but can you please correctly assume things out of earshot? It comes across as a bit rude," She replied.

Eldred snorted at that. "Alisun, coming from you that's a bit rich. But that's besides the point. Two of you must become one of us through bonding."

Daniel quickly offered to volunteer. "I'm willing. It's not dangerous, is it?"

Eldred shook his head. "No, not at all. None of our tribe have died or sustained serious injuries from it."

"What about unserious?" Jack wanted to know.

"I think the worst was someone who got a bit of a rash, but that was an allergic reaction to the food he had afterwards, not from the bonding itself," Rulf said.

"And if two of us bond, are you going to tell all of us what we want to know, or just the ones who bonded?" Sam wondered. Because if she had to bond with these people to get her questions answered, she'd do it. But if she didn't have to bond, she had no intention of doing so. Daniel could do the bonding rituals. He wasn't an anthropologist for nothing.

"Since the two represent you as a group, we will of course share with all of you," Gwen said, smiling.

Eldred was looking slightly impatient. "So we have one person who's willing… who else is willing to become one of us?"

"I am willing," Teal'c offered.

Alisun looked disappointed. "I am sorry, but as you're a Jaffa I'm afraid we don't fully trust you. It's nothing personal," She shrugged apologetically.

"I understand."

The four villagers looked expectantly at Sam and Jack.

"We would prefer it if your leader committed to the ceremony, to prove how much this bond means to your people," Eldred suggested, looking hopefully at Jack.

"Oh, for crying out loud! Fine, I'll bond with you guys. What do we do?" Jack said grumpily. He didn't trust bonding rituals one bit. Especially on another planet.

Alisun and Eldred grinned at each other. Obviously they were the ones in charge of bonding rituals. "Just follow us," Eldred said, and led the way to a patch of red flowers just outside the village, the others following right behind him.

Eldred took out a knife, knelt in front of the plants and muttered something to himself. Alisun stood next to him, a serious expression on her face. Eldred then got up, and handed her the knife. Then Alisun knelt down and muttered.

Daniel was wondering what they were saying. Were they blessing the knife? It seemed likely. And why the red plants? What was the significance? He hoped they would answer the questions once the ritual was over.

Alisun presented Jack with the knife. "You must cut your hand, and then let a drop fall on each flower," She told him.

Jack looked at Daniel. "You want to go first?"

"She offered the knife to you, Jack, refusing would be rude," Daniel replied, wishing Jack would just get on with on it.

Jack eyed Alisun suspiciously. "One drop for each flower, right? So that'll be…" He quickly counted the red flowers. "Twenty drops."

Alisun nodded. "One drop of blood for each flower. It is our way," She turned to look at the others. "These flowers were a gift from the mother. We never planted them, they just appeared here."

Jack slid his hand with the knife, and carefully let one drop fall on each flower. He handed the knife back to Alisun and went rummaging through his pack for the first aid kit to bandage his hand.

Alisun handed the knife to Daniel, who wasn't looking to pleased with all this. Sure, it's just a cut in the hand and relatively harmless, and if Alisun had been the one to cut he wouldn't have minded so much. Deliberately harming himself wasn't something he did. He got harmed deliberately by other people often enough, he didn't see the need to harm himself. He winced as he cut himself with the knife, and watched the blood fall on the flowers. He hoped that the next part of the ritual didn't involve hurting themselves again.

Jack was busy bandaging Daniel's hand when Alisun gave the knife to Eldred. "If you are done, you shall join me at our bonding tent for the second part of the ritual."

"We'll be right behind you!" Daniel told the duo.

"Daniel, Sir, don't you think it'd be a good idea to ask what this second part of the test is about?" Sam asked. "Cutting your hand isn't that big a deal, I know, but it shows that these people aren't beyond hurting themselves in a ritual."

"Plenty of tribes used to do that, Sam, it's quite normal. Especially for making important promises and vows. It's like good friends cutting their hands and letting their blood mix to swear eternal friendship. Except this is a bit bigger than that," Daniel explained. "The bandage is good now Jack, and besides, I expect we have to take it off soon anyway. Unless they want us to use the other hand."

"What? Oh, you think they want us to bond by shaking hands after we cut 'em again? Damn, they could've told us in advance, then I wouldn't have bothered to get the first aid kit this soon," Jack said.

"Are you finished?" Eldred asked impatiently. He and Alisun were standing next to a rather big hut. It looked different from the other houses, presumably because it was only used to special occasions.

"We're done!" Jack yelled. "Come on Daniel, let's bond. Teal'c, Sam, start asking the villagers some questions, and please remind them that we're about to be members of their tribe."

Teal'c nodded, and he and Sam went to explore the village, to see if they could get interesting information out of the villagers.

Jack and Daniel went to the hut, awaiting their instructions. "So? What do we do now?" Jack asked.

"It is very simple," Eldred said. "First, you take off your clothes and deposit them outside. We shall take care them. Then you will proceed with the copulation."

"The WHAT?!" Both men shouted, for entirely different reasons. For Daniel it was more 'What? You expect us to have SEX?' whereas for Jack it was 'What does that mean? And it had better not mean what I think it does!'

"The coitus?" Eldred tried. "The part of sexual relations where a man penetrates the –"

"We got it!" Jack quickly said.

"And we're not doing it," Daniel added.

"But it is part of the ritual, without it you won't be part of our tribe, and you won't learn our ways and customs. No matter how much your Major Carter and Teal'c try to persuade our villagers to share that information," Alisun said.

"The information of how you copied our language knowledge, amongst others?" Daniel wanted to check. And he thought of a good way to test if Eldred really HAD copied all his language knowledge.

"We have other information we would like to share with you."

"Eldred? Can I test that ability to copy languages?" Daniel asked. He figured it would be polite to ask first.

"Of course. I understand you wish to verify that we're speaking the truth and that we didn't speak your language all along," Eldred said, smiling.

"I suppose you get doubted a lot, huh?" Daniel smiled apologetically.

"But not for long. Test me."

"Comment tu t'appelle?" Daniel asked, figuring he could start with French and work his way through all the languages he knew.

"Je m'appelle Eldred," Eldred answered truthfully.

"Waar woon je?" He continued in Dutch. He was only asking Eldred simple things, like his name and where he lived. That was the sort of thing he knew in all his languages, since that was the first thing he had learned.

"Ik woon hier, in dit dorp. In dat huis daar." Eldred pointed at a small house, not far away from the hut.

Daniel went through all his languages, but wasn't satisfied until he used the language of Abydos. The people of Abydos had never been to other planets, and the villagers here had said Nirrti had brought them here, not Ra. There had been no contact between Abydos and this planet, so unless Eldred really had copied the knowledge from Daniel, there was no way Eldred could understand that language.

"Alright, you've certainly passed," Daniel said eventually. "I'm amazed."

"Does this mean you will perform the ritual now?" Alisun asked.

"Can't we do something else? I mean, you want us to bond, right? Can't Jack and I share a personal secret or story with each other so that we get to know each other in a whole new way?" Daniel asked.

"I think that's the purpose of the sex, Daniel, getting to know each other in a whole new way," Jack said, sounding calmer than Daniel had expected. "And I don't think they're going to accept talking. Remember how sometimes you'd want to have sex with Sha're or some ex-girlfriend and they wanted to talk about how your relationship was working out or other supposedly meaningful things? This is kinda like that, except that they have better leverage than most guys have."

"That's never really happened to me, Jack, so I think that metaphor is pretty flawed," Daniel told him, slightly annoyed. Why wasn't Jack helping him to get out of the sex?

"Wait, you're telling me that whenever you wanted to have sex and your sweetheart at the time wanted to talk, you always –"

"Talked. Yeah. I like talking, Jack. I didn't become a linguist for nothing."

Jack just stared at Daniel for a moment, and then shook his head.

"I'm afraid Colonel O'Neill is right. We accept no substitutes. It is penetrative anal sex, or nothing," Alisun said.

"Can't we work something out? A different deal?" Daniel suggested.

"You got lube?" Jack asked.

"Naturally."

"Condoms?"

Alisun looked wide-eyed with surprise. "What are these… condoms?"

"Well, they're made out of rubber and… look, just forget it, I've got some of my own," Jack said.

"You carry condoms with you?" Daniel asked, shocked.

"Hey, you think I want to get an STD from some alien girl AGAIN? Once was enough, thanks." Jack huffed. "If I ever get drugged into having sex again, I want it to be safe."

"Are these condoms absolutely necessary in your coupling?" Alisun asked. "What is their function?"

"It makes sure that my sperm doesn't come anywhere near his, erm," Jack waved at Daniel's rear end vaguely, "Near him."

"So these condoms prohibit you from having complete physical contact?" Eldred concluded.

"Well, yeah, but it's safer that way, really," Jack explained.

"You need to have complete physical contact during the bonding ritual," Alisun said sternly. "You are not permitted to use them. If you have any, please hand them over."

"Dammit!" Jack bitched, and took off his pack, and emptied one of his pockets. "But I want them back!"

Daniel was standing there slightly flabbergasted. Jack was giving aliens sex ed. Oh god. At least he hadn't demonstrated how to use a condom by putting one on a banana. After that particular class Daniel had never enjoyed bananas again.

"So, now we go in there, get naked, get sweaty and come… well, come and come out?" Jack checked with the two villagers.

"Precisely," Eldred nodded. "And don't consider faking it. We have ways of checking if you are speaking the truth."

Jack decided he didn't want to know anything about alien lie detectors, not after last time, and ushered a flabbergasted Daniel into the hut. "Quite stylish in here, don't you think?" If it had been a whorehouse. There were pillows on the floor, and some shiny red sheets made out of some sheer fabric. Jack would bet his year's income that this place had been designed by a woman. "So… want to see who can get naked the quickest?"

Daniel stared at Jack for a moment. "Are you suggesting we go through with this?"

"You and Carter seemed pretty keen on a deal with these guys, and I'll admit that the language copying thing seemed pretty handy. So yes, I suggest we go through with this. We don't have any other options to get them to make a deal, and sex is the only way to get the deal," Jack said. "So we have the sex."

"You seem surprisingly okay with this, Jack." Daniel thought that was quite odd, all considering.

"Exactly, I seem okay with it. Trust me, I'm not really okay with this at all, but if this is what they want us to do then hey, why not. It's not dangerous, no one's going to get hurt, and if we do it properly, it might even be good," Jack replied, poking a small pot with a clear liquid in it. He supposed it was the lube.

"Good?" Daniel repeated. "You've done this before?"

"Oh yeah." Jack looked up, and saw Daniel being flabbergasted again. "Come on, I was in my late teens and early twenties in the sixties AND the seventies. What do you think I did before I decided to join the Air Force?"

Daniel nodded. "Ah, a 'do everything I've always wanted to do but can't once I join up' sort of thing?"

"Precisely. My motto in those days was 'I'll try anything once, within reason.' It's a good motto, depending on what you think is reasonable." Jack was trying to get the lube of his fingers, and after some fruitless attempts wiped it off on his jacket.

"So, now you think that having sex with a good friend and colleague is within reason?" Daniel checked.

Jack looked Daniel up and down. "Sure. Why not? I'm just happy you're not Carter. That would've been awkward." Then he frowned to himself. "Or Teal'c, for that matter. That might've been awkward too."

"And having sex with me ISN'T going to be awkward?" Daniel asked, trying not to get flabbergasted again.

"Less awkward," Jack clarified, and starting taking off his boots. "That's a better word. Less awkward. And shouldn't we be getting naked?"

Daniel decided he might as well play along for now. But something was nagging at the back of his head. Something was off here. Well, he was going to have sex with Jack, apparently. That was very off. But it was something else. Something besides the whole Jack aspect of the deal. "So, what you're saying is that I'm the SG-1 Member Jack Has The Least Awkward Sex With?"

"Yep."

"Just wanted to check."

"Have you ever had sex with another guy, Daniel?" Jack asked, working on his trousers.

"Not really. Well, I made out sometimes. It's college, you experiment. But I never went any further, if that's what you're asking," Daniel said, taking off his jacket. He was trying to undress as slowly as possible. Maybe the nagging thing would come to him properly if he gave it time.

"It's a start," Jack said nakedly, and put his clothes outside the door. He made himself comfortable on the pillows.

"Jack? Do you think of yourself as gay?" Daniel wondered.

"No! Hello, I was happily married for years! And that was NOT my only relationship with a woman, trust me," Jack said, sounding slightly insulted.

"Bisexual then?"

"I suppose so. But I've never really been in love with guys. I think 'equal opportunity pervert' comes closest," He replied, after thinking for a moment.

"That… would actually explain a lot," Daniel said, after thinking it over.

"Huh?"

"You being a, er, pervert. It explains a lot."

"What do you mean?" Jack frowned. "How does it explain a lot?"

"It explains why you flirt with everything and everyone," Daniel stated.

"I do not!"

"Oh please! You were on your back, five seconds after you met Bra'tac! And then you told him that he 'must work out a lot'." Daniel did accompanying air quotes. "That was blatant flirting. And I'm not even going to START on how overly friendly you always are with Thor."

Jack was flabbergasted. "I do NOT flirt with Bra'tac! Or Thor! YOU are the chronic flirt, Daniel, not me. You were batting your eyes at that bounty hunter about five seconds after meeting him!"

"At least I was flirting with someone who wasn't over a hundred! Or an alien!"

"Aha! So you're admitting that you were flirting with that deranged bounty hunter?" Jack said annoyingly smug for someone who was naked.

Daniel spluttered at that. "I may have tried to be more charming than usual, but I wasn't flirting!"

"That's the definition of flirting, Daniel. And why aren't you naked yet?" Jack asked from his comfy position on the pillows. "We're supposed to be having sex here, remember?"

"I know!" Daniel yelled, flinging his jacket in Jack's direction. "Why do you think I asked you about your sexuality? I was stalling for time."

Jack threw Daniel's jacket back at him. "And?"

"And what?"

"What's the result of the stalling? If you were just stalling for the sex, you'd have continued to stall. You're not continuing to stall, since stalling for time after admitting you're stalling for time is kinda stupid," Jack explained.

"I was just thinking, in the back of my head. About this whole rite of passage and bonding through sex… thing," Daniel said, waving his hands around vaguely. "It doesn't hold up. These people seem to be of Anglo-Saxon origins, and they never used sex in these kind of rituals. The Angles didn't, the Saxons didn't, the Jutes didn't. Not even the Celts of the Picts or any of the other tribes living in Britain used sex for this kind of ritual. I mean, yes, they used sex in their fertility feasts, but this isn't about fertility. This about us joining the tribe and bonding with each other."

"So, basically, this doesn't make any sense?" Jack checked. He had zoned out about half way during Daniel's explanation.

"Not really."

"Think we should tell them their ritual doesn't make any sense?"

Daniel frowned. "I don't know. It seems kind of rude."

"Well, I think it's your last chance to avoid ritualistic sex with me. It's up to you. Have sex with me, or tell Alisun and Eldred that their rituals are a bit silly and see if that avoids having sex with me," Jack said.

Daniel looked at Jack. "You're not that worried about this, are you? The sex?"

"Like I said, it would be least awkward with you, and I'm already an equal opportunity pervert." Jack shrugged. "If there's no other way, why not? Besides, do you KNOW how long it's been since I've had sex with anyone else involved?"

Daniel decided not to ask. "I'm just going outside to talk to Eldred and Alisun." He wandered out the hut, trying to see where the other two had gone.

Eldred suddenly appeared from a house close to the hut. "What are you doing outside?"

"Er, well, I was kinda wondering about… well, how this ritual got started," Daniel said, not quite sure how to tell Eldred that the ritual didn't make sense.

Eldred looked confused. "What do you mean?"

"Who started it? Who said it would be a good idea to have new people have sex with each other?"

"We all sort of agreed that it, er, would be a good idea to do that. And er, our ancestors were also doing it. So we just continued their ritual," Eldred said, looking nervous. "The ritual that our ancestors started."

"Your ancestors?" Daniel asked. "The ones brought here from earth by Nirrti?"

"Yes… yes. They already had this ritual. And so we continued it." Eldred still looked rather nervous.

"And where precisely did your ancestors come from? What region?" Daniel asked, folding his arms and hoping he was looking stern.

"Er, an island. A large island. The, er, name is lost to us. Very much lost."

"Aha." Daniel leaned closer. "I think this bonding ritual is ridiculous, Eldred. I think you made it up to make us look ridiculous. And I have the strong suspicion that you made up every part of the ritual as you went along, including dropping blood on the flowers."

Eldred laughed nervously. "Now, what makes you say that? Us, making up a ritual? We'd never!"

"Eldred, I know a thing or two about the island your ancestors came from. And I know a thing or two about their rituals. And none of their male bonding rituals involved sex," Daniel was glaring at him now. "Their fertility rituals involved plenty of sex. Might I suggest that next time you want to get a bunch of strangers to have sex in your village that you tell them it's part of a fertility ritual?"

Eldred blinked. "Oh, you think that would work?"

"What? Yes! No! Although obviously you should simply not LIE to people just because you think it'd be funny for them to have sex!" Daniel exclaimed.

Alisun walked out of the same house Eldred had exited a few minutes earlier. "What's going on? Why haven't you completed the ritual yet?"

"Don't bother Ally, they're on to us," Eldred sighed. "But on the bright side, he gave a few tips for next time!"

"I did not! And… I'm ON to you? So it was a badly set up plan for Jack and I to have sex? What?" Daniel yelled, not quite sure what was going on.

Jack opened the door to the hut a little. "Daniel? What's going on? Have you told them the ritual is ridiculous yet?"

Daniel turned towards Jack. "I have. And they just admitted to it being an elaborate set up."

"We didn't admit to anything!" Eldred replied hurriedly.

"Hey, you said that we were on to you. That's admitting to something at least!" Daniel spun around and glared at Eldred.

Jack had left the door and was now shouting from inside the hut. "If I get my hands on the two of you, you are BOTH dead!"

Alisun and Eldred didn't look too impressed. "Okay, fine, we admit, it WAS a plan. It was a set up. We made it all up, the blood, the flowers, the bonding. Everything. Just so the two of you could have sex," Alisun said.

Well, putting it like that, it did sound kind of silly. "Really?" Daniel asked.

"Yes, really. We've been waiting for the two of you to drop by for a while so we could put the plan into motion. Guess we should've spent more time planning," Eldred said, looking sad.

Jack had covered himself with one of the red sheets. "Now, what's all this about a plan involving Daniel, me and sex?"

"It was a plan. That we had. It didn't work, obviously. Now, gather your other team members and just go," Alisun said with annoyance.

"We're not going anywhere until we know exactly why you had a plan in the first place!" Jack shouted, trying to look threatening while dressed in a shiny red sheet.

"Sir? Daniel? What's going on?" Sam asked, running towards them with Teal'c behind her. "Is the ritual done?"

"No." Daniel continued to glare at Eldred. "Never even got started."

Sam and Teal'c looked confused. "I don't understand. What's going on?" She asked.

"That's what I'd like to know," Jack demanded. "Eldred? Alisun? Care to fill us in about this crazy plan of yours?"

Alisun glared back at Daniel and Jack, not impressed by either of them. "You know what the plan was. You know it failed. That's all you need to know."

"Eldred?" Jack glared sternly at the man. Daniel glared as well. Sam was too confused to glare. Teal'c glared at him, but Teal'c always seemed to glare at people so it didn't say much.

The glaring worked on Eldred though. He looked more and more nervous with each passing minute. "Fine! Fine! It wasn't our idea! We just try to do what our clients ask for! They ask crazy things, you know. Do you know how hard it is to get chocolate syrup this side of the galaxy? And strawberries aren't exactly indigenous to this planet!"

"Eldred? Are you okay?" Sam asked, worried.

"He's talking about another scenario our clients would've liked us to use for you. But we figured the ritualistic sex scenario would've been easier," Alisun explained.

A horrible idea began to dawn upon Daniel. "Wait a minute. Are you saying that you know people, clients, who are PAYING you to make Jack and I have sex? Were there recording devices inside the hut?" He gasped. "There were! That's how you knew we weren't done!"

Eldred had the decency to look embarrassed. "We didn't ask for people to think of us as an intergalactic porn company. It just sort of happened."

"You were going to SELL the footage?" Jack shouted in horror.

"You were going to have SEX?!" Sam shouted in equal amounts of horror. "The two of YOU? And people are paying to see it?"

"After we edit it, yeah," Alisun said. "There's quite some demand for it."

"But who would want… you know what, I don't want to know." Jack turned to his team members. "I think it's time we leave this place and tell the General to lock it out of the dialling program. And then I think we should warn our allies. Well, maybe not all of the Tok'ra. Just Jacob." Eldred shuffled nervously when Jack mentioned the Tok'ra.

"What? No. THEY asked for this too?!" Daniel yelled. "Why? No, I don't want to know."

"It was just one member of the Tok'ra who asked," Alisun said. "She said she wanted to understand the mating habits of human males."

"ANISE?!" Jack shouted, just as Daniel muttered "Freya" in horror.

"Don't worry, she won't be seeing the little footage we have. It's got no entertainment value whatsoever," Alisun said.

"I should hope so! Team? We're out of here." Jack tried to lead his team away, and realized he was still dressed in the red sheet. "I want my clothes back. And my pack."

"Well, you can't," Alisun told him. "It's ours now. Consider it compensation for our losses."

"YOUR losses?" Daniel exclaimed. "WE have to compensate YOU?"

"Hey, do you know how much we could've made from a little one on one action between you and the Colonel? Trust me, an SG-1 uniform and pack doesn't compensate it at all, but we're willing to consider it as such. Especially since no SG-team will come to this planet ever again," Alisun told him coldly. "Take it or leave it."

"Leave it wins it for me," Jack said. He didn't know how he was going to explain the red sheet to the General, but it had to be better than staying here for one more second. "Right. We're out of here."

Alisun and Eldred watched the team leave. "Well, that certainly didn't go as planned. I told you, you should've let me talk to them."

"You would've just made them angry," Eldred said. "Besides, it's not like we can't do some of the other scenarios. We don't necessarily need them."

"Authenticity would've gotten us so much more," Alisun sulked.

"Yeah well, our clients will just have to do without the real thing," Eldred said.

They walked back to the house. Inside was a highly advanced control panel, with several screens showing the inside of the hut. Eldred picked up a pile of paper. "There's got to be something here we can do."

"We could just do the 'aliens made them do it' one," Alisun mused.

"How about this one? 'O'Neill attempts to have sex with Carter. It fails. O'Neill is very sad until Daniel shows him that he was really gay all along.'" Eldred read out.

Alisun snorted. "Oh please, that sounds utterly lame. Besides, we'd need Gwen to be Major Carter, and she's off with Rulf. Find one with just the Colonel and the Doctor."

Eldred shuffled through the pages some more. "'After having a few drinks, Jackson admits to O'Neill that's he wants to have sex with him. A slightly inebriated O'Neill agrees to this, and they have amazing fantastic sex. The next morning both are convinced they have taken advantage of the other, and are very sad until they admit their eternal love to each other.'" He looked at Alisun. "Doable?"

"Can we at least get authentically drunk?" Alisun asked.

"Sure."

"Let's go then!"

-o-o-

A little while later, a naked Daniel Jackson and a naked Jack O'Neill were lying in the hut, sated after amazing fantastic sex. "You stopped the cameras, right?"

"Did that five minutes ago, Alisun. It's not my fault your body needs more time to recuperate after sex," Eldred said smugly in Daniel's body.

"Well I'm SORRY I copied the DNA and knowledge of the older guy. You already snagged the pretty young one," Alisun bitched inside Jack's body.

"I sure did. And by the way, can you modify the penis for next time? Some of the scenarios are quite specific in that field, and it needs to be longer. And bigger," Eldred said. "Oh, and try to last longer, hmm? You hardly gave me a chance to come with a keening cry."

"Not my fault your body takes ages to get going," Alisun grumped. "What's next?"

"Tearful declarations of eternal love," Eldred said, checking the paper.

"Can we skip those and go straight to more amazing fantastic sex?" Alisun asked, checking if the penis was erect yet.

Eldred looked at her. Him. "You know what? I think that's almost in character for Jack. You're getting better at being him. At least you're not trying to act like him by saying 'for crying out loud' every other sentence."

Alisun glared at Eldred. "Excuse me? Your Daniel act consisted of: 'Jack, I want to make love to you loads and loads, and I have spent YEARS lusting after you even though I slept with other women on the side, and so did you, but I really DID lust after you! Honest! Oh, and by the way, I really like old things, wink wink, nudge nudge.' I really don't think our clients are going to buy that."

"Ah well, it's not like our audience really cares about our characterisation of Jack and Daniel, do they? They just want to see them get naked and sweaty," Eldred said.

"Right, shall we get to it then? I'm ready," Alisun said. Eldred nodded. "All right. Record!" She waited a couple of seconds for the recordings devices to start recording, and then turned over to Eldred. "Oh, Daniel, I am terribly sorry for what happened last night. You were drunk, and I should never have taken advantage of your drunken state of mind, and I know that you would never have made love to me sober. So please, forgive me for taking advantage of you." She looked at Eldred with appropriate sad puppy dog eyes.

Eldred returned the sad puppy dog eyes, and added a look of horror. "No! I should be apologising profusely, because I initiated the making love, and by the way I love that you call it 'making love' rather than having sex or fucking because it shows that I really mean something to you and vice versa." He caught his breath after that long sentence. "But I must apologise, since you were drunker and I should never have taken advantage of the man I have loved my entire life."

"Oh Daniel, you mean to say you loved me since we first met, even though I was a complete bastard? And even afterwards, even though I was still sort of a bastard and you were looking for your wife whom you really loved?" Alisun said, having fun with this and struggling to look appropriately sad.

"Yes, Jack, I am telling you that I loved you. Even when I was mourning Sha're and looking for her child, I still loved you and hoped that some day you would return that love. And now that will never be, because I took advantage of you and I'm very sad," Eldred said, struggling to keep a straight face.

"Oh, let me reassure you that I loved you all that time as well, from the time we first met, even though I hadn't even divorced Sarah back then, and even when I had sex with Kynthia and Laira, and I was thinking of you when I did, and even when I was flirting with Sam I only did it because I was hiding my feelings of pure and true love for YOU, my dear precious Dannyboy," Alisun told Eldred. "My precious Spacemonkey of love."

"Oh Jack, you have made me the happiest linguist/archaeologist/anthropologist who ever lived!" Eldred cried out.

"Can we have the amazing fantastic sex now?" Alisun whispered, quiet so the microphones wouldn't pick it up.

"Sure," Eldred whispered back.

Alisun reached for the pot of lube. "Oh, er, Daniel, do you think that after our previous fantastic love making we will need more extensive preparation?"

Eldred knew this was her way of asking how much prepping he needed. "Yes, because I was but a ignorant virgin until I made love to you, Jack, so please, prepare me for your loving."

Alisun got the message, and soon enough Eldred could feel the finger gently stretching his ass. He kept reminding himself that a) this wasn't technically his asshole, it was someone else's b) it was good pay and c) Alisun wasn't that bad at anal sex. It would be quite pleasurable if she was in the mood to make it good. He just hoped she was. One finger was joined by another, and he knew he was getting ready to take it. "Oh Jack," He moaned, "please, take me now!"

"No, Danny darling, you are not quite yet ready!" Alisun said, checking to see if Eldred was entirely sure about this.

"Trust me Jack, I am wide open with love for you." Eldred figured that would be blatant enough for Alisun. He heard her put the pot away and felt her hands grab his hips. They had both agreed on doing it with Eldred on his knees. The clients seemed to like seeing Daniel on his knees, submitting for once, and Alisun and Eldred had decided to go with that. Besides, it was one of the easier positions for anal sex.

He could feel the penis poke at his behind, and he felt a bit silly. He always felt a bit silly at this stage of the proceedings. The preparation wasn't that odd, the actual act itself wasn't that odd, but he felt odd with a penis poking his ass like that. He hoped Alisun would get it in soon.

Alisun too felt a bit silly at poking Eldred's or Daniel's ass with the penis, but soon slid in the head. "Okay, my dearest Danny, you must relax now!" She told him, as much for the clients' as for Eldred's sake.

"I shall, oh darling Jack," Eldred said, and squeezed his ass.

This made Alisun wince a bit. Obviously Eldred didn't need telling to relax. She slid in some more. "I can see you are relaxed, I'm happy as this will make our union much more pleasurable and perfect and amazing!"

Eldred grinned. Alisun was getting sarcastic, which meant that she was about to have enough of all the soppy declarations of love, and that she was about to start with a good pounding to get this over as soon as possible. He liked a good pounding, especially as they had been slow and gentle the first time, as the scenario had said. They were allowed to go wild for this time. In fact, the scenario encouraged it. He felt the penis slide in deeper, and deeper until he didn't think it could get any deeper. And then somehow Alisun managed to get it in even further. He groaned. This was going to be good. Their clients were gonna LOVE this.

Alisun grinned to herself. It wasn't everyday that someone who was usually female got to have anal sex with another man AND feel it properly. This was the part of the job she loved. In a way it was getting her own back at the guys, making them get down on their knees for her. But mostly it was for the money, the fun and the pleasure. Revenge was a dish best served with a large side of fun and pleasure, as far as she was concerned. "Ready?" She asked.

Eldred only clenched in return, hearing Alisun hiss. Yep, she'd take that as being ready.

"Here goes," She said. "Daniel."

"Give it to me then," He replied. "Jack."

Alisun gave it her best. The clients deserved nothing less from a professional intergalactic porn business.


End file.
